i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
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