If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Randomize
