oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
