But regardless, you really stood out last night, you should give me a chance
Sorry but you seem like a potential womanizer
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Randomize
