hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
