Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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