Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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