Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
