We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
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