I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Randomize