Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
