He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
