Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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