You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
