i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
The air was thick with penises
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
