Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Less talking, more tequila
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
