so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize