I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Randomize
