i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
