If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
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