I just threw up on my dentist
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
Randomize
