I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Why is it people are always in costumes on Cheaters these days? Joe Greco literally just said, "It appears they get chased by a chicken with a chainsaw." WTF?
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
