which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Naked Twister starts at high noon
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I smell like Dick and happiness
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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