: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Randomize
