I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Randomize
