Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Randomize
