Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
