We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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