peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Randomize
