My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Randomize
