Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
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