Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
