When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Randomize
