Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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