Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
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