if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
