When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
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