Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
