her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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