he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
