it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
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