I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
home. puking in laundry basket.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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