Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I don't deserve a penis
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
Randomize
