this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Randomize
