I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
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