Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
