True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
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