There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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