I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
