Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
