Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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