they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
