I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
i used baking grease as lip gloss
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
I know her cup size but not her name....
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
