you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
