Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
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