just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Randomize
